Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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