is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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