Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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