I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
