Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
