found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
