i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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