I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
