They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
not ubering you a puppy
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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