the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
