I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
