Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
