I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
