she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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