Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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