A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
my poor anus
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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