I bet he comes in French.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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