one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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