so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
