Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
