So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
