then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize