Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
