i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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