Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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