I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
