I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
