I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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