Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
