The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
