She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
