a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Blow job season was short but glorious.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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