I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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