I feel great
I just peed on a car
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I wish you could order shots online.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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