Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
