yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
