my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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