Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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