It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Girls should come with a carfax report
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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