I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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