My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
