Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Even my vagina gasped.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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