Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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