I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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