Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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