In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
