is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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