Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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