I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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