The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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