You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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