he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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