Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
